Tuesday, June 13, 2006

I need some advice....

Okay I've been dating a single mother going through a terribly divorce right now. It's pretty early on, but there seems to be a lot of drama both her soon to be ex and a few confrontations from the girls he was "seeing" while they were married. Essentially he has threatened her physically and even gone so far as to slash all four tires on her car. She's put out warrants and he will be in court in July. Additionally the girls he was seeing keep calling her and threatening her and she has already been involved in one physical altercation with one at the grocery store back in October that got her arrested. I'll chalk that up to "heat of the moment" and look past it. but I'm wondering if I'm just stupid and need to get out of this because my gut and my eyes tell me things will get more dramatic before they get less dramatic. On the plus side she's nice, takes care of her kids, doesn't go out and party, doesn't sleep around (hey we haven't even kissed yet), she has a stable job and she's also trying to finish a bachelor's degree. My main concern is the "ex" drama and secondly she seems like she might be too busy beyond that to start a new relationship just yet. I'd like some advice if anyone cares to offer it because I know a lot of you are or have been in similar situations to varying degrees.


Blogger Jennifer said...

This is a tough one Jeremey. First, let me start by saying that I think it's great that you are seeing someone! Now to the gritty. Before you get too involved with her children, you need to decide if this is going to be worth it. The thing with dating divorcees is, once you're in a relationship with them, you become involved with their ex's so to speak. And further down the road, if you marry, the ex comes along with it. Sometimes these things work out with time, and the drama tapers off, but you do have to prepare yourself that it will never be peaceful. I feel like I've married my husbands ex, in a sense, and it is sometimes a struggle. But I decided a long time ago that I was ready for the challenge, that he was worth it. If you think it's worth it, to possibly have a roller coaster ride, then go for it. If it's still too early on, try to spend time with her, and just a little time with the kids, at a distance so they don't get too attached. My thinking is, if you are even asking the question, you think she's worth it. If that's so, stick by her as much as you can because she's going to need it!

4:30 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

Can I say having been thru all that & more.. That I whole heartedly second what Jen said... it is never going to settle down completely... are you prepared for that?? It's a hard road..but if you think there is something there..you need to decide if you are strong enough.. if it is just dating... well take very slow very ,very slow..

9:41 PM  
Blogger Persephone66 said...

And don't forget the horrible guilt ALL exes feel over the failure of their relationships. Especially if there are children involved. That's a lot of baggage. Guilt does funny things to people. Also, something that rings a bell with me is how busy your new woman seems. Is she doing this to avoid processing all that is happening? Like I say, I can totally relate to doing that myself. And then waking up in the middle of the big mud puddle and having to begin the cleaning up. Very best wishes. Pers

4:13 AM  
Blogger FV Tom said...

I agree with what the ladies have said. From a guy's point of view, having married a woman with kids, it will be very difficult even if the ex and the other girls cease and desist.

Your friend needs to a chance to "breathe" before another relationship.

And then you will need to be able enter an established family, her and her kids, and your parenting styles will be different. You will be jumping into the deep end. You two won't have had a chance to grow into each other's styles.

In our case, it was very difficult for the first several years. Only commitments to remain together got us through all the rough times.

Now, we have a great family. The boys, well, they are men now, have really become great people. Truly, I didn't think this possible 10 years ago.

And to paraphrase what the others have said, you don't just marry the girl, you marry the whole package, ex and all!

8:20 AM  
Blogger FV Tom said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Dub said...

Take it slow. She'll be worth if when she gets through all of that drama and learns from it and can give you what you need.

There are a number of degrees to which you marry the other's ex. The more amicable the divorce, the more they will be involved. But at least it will be predictable.

For nasty divorces, expect alot of drama, but most likely deadbeat ex's get less involved over time.

1:13 PM  
Blogger None said...

I have no experience in this so it's hard for me to relate. My only advice is: listen to your gut.

3:17 PM  
Blogger Connie said...

I agree with everything everybody said. As a single mom out in the dating world, it's tough! Just be open, honest and patient.

Good luck!

7:50 PM  
Blogger Jess said...

I was going to post the same thing JunoJen did: listen to your gut. I can't count the number of times my gut was frantically trying to tell me something and I didn't listen... and should have.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Lori said...

Just take it slow. Casey was going through a divorce when we started dating and as I have told him I had to be very patient and know he was worth it to get through it all. Situations are different than yours though, but all the same I am glad I was patient.


12:04 PM  

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