Sunday, December 04, 2005

Week 7 crash and burn...

Ugh...okay confession time folks. I've been to the gym once this week and aside from monday thru wednesday I've either eaten like crap or none at all...not to mention the large amount of drinking. I went to a funeral on Friday for someone who I only knew for a short time in my life but had an amazing impact on it and it was an emotional moment for me as he became yet another in a line of surrogate grandfather types that I've collected wise sage-like advice from over the years in addition to an incredible amount of decency and selflessness. Someday I may speak of my grandparents but I'm not sure I can do that at this time as some wounds are very deep and sometimes I find if you can't say anything nice, at times even though it's more than justified, it's best not to say them at all. Let's just say that my mother's parents are dead to me and my father's parents were dead before I really knew them. So all in all I was without that grandfatherly/grandmotherly advice and sought it from others like my friend's grandfather.

I don't know what stopped me from the gym this week but once I had to deal with his death and the funeral and other preparations I just seemed to slip into a depression coupled with two nights of drinking (nothing crazy just a little too much both nights) and bad eating and just laying around debating numerous large decisions I've been rolling around in my head for a while, some of which I mentioned in my last post. The BFL challenge has been a wonderful program for me and it's allowed me to see glimpses of not only what I can be physically, but what I can begin to accomplish in other areas of my life as well. I'm turning into a new person which is terribly exciting and frightening at the same time as it's like being a child again and trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. I know a number of people who leave abusive relationships have some form of identity crisis with their new found freedom from that nightmare and I guess I have been freeing myself from years of self abuse and self loathing in one form or another. It's weird because I have to forgive myself for the abuse and love the new me which...well that's pretty hard to get my head around at times.

Overall I'm okay, just sort of scared at times when I realize I have all this power that I didn't realize. Of course the old saying "With great power comes great responsibility" comes into play, but very few comforting words come to mind for me when I think of how nervous actually living my life the way I've always dreamed is. I'm worried about the old ways of self sabotage and not giving myself credit where it's due. I have wonderful gifts that I've never really taken advantage of, not because of laziness or lack of ability, but because I've been too afraid to do them and that's something I'm working on changing. All I can say is that I'm doing the best I can in life and I think over the last few months I've been doing a lot more positive than negative and for that I'm very proud of myself and I thank each and everyone of you that I interact with for the times in my life for just allowing me to count you as friends.


Blogger Thisisit! said...

Havlow... great post. Creating the life we want to live means just taking one step at a time towards it... then another... then another. I don't think 99% in the world feels disimilar to you (is that a word?), no matter where they are in their lives. I think our responsibility though is to visualize what we want and then make sure we are taking those steps...

3:08 PM  
Blogger PartTimeMom said...

"I guess I have been freeing myself from years of self abuse and self loathing in one form or another."

Wow... I've never thought of it like that, but it's so so true.

amazing post. Thank you for sharing it.

10:59 AM  

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